Best left unsaid

I am not Emily Post, nor do I strive for that title. In fact, I probably have stuck my foot into my mouth more times than I care to think about. I am sure that I have hurt people's feelings in the past. I have noticed that the majority of people in this world seem to speak before they think, or they have no idea how painful a casual comment can be. This is not an exhaustive list, but I wanted to share a list of questions that I feel are best left unsaid when speaking to a casual acquaintance or stranger. I realize that the people who generally read my blog are a very neurotic thoughtful bunch who generally think TOO much before thinking, but maybe this will go viral (HA!) and I can help the world be a more polite place.

This first question is one that I was asked many times during high school/college.

• "Why don't you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?"
• You have just insinuated that the person is a loser, no matter the tone you use. The best response I ever came up with alluded to the fact that my high school was small and the best ones were claimed in the first grade--which was only partially true. When I was attending U.K., that answer would not work; 24,000 students is a pretty big fish bowl. Your intent might be great--my sister/friend/acquainance is (insert positive attributes here) why don't they have somebody to love?  When asked the question, however, the person is probably flooded with every negative attribute they feel is the source of their solitary status. Or maybe they truthfully like being alone, but nobody wants to hear that. Or maybe they are somewhere in the LGBT persuasion?

So, then you find the boy/girl of your dreams, then a new question pops up:

• "When are you going to get married?"/"Why haven't you gotten married yet?"
• Now, this question is completely legitimate if you know they are engaged and you are inquiring about the date. If you are asking an unmarried couple, then you probably mean it as if to say the natural course of this relationship is marriage and they'd best be getting on with it. You might can get by with it, if you are really good friends with one or both members of the couple, but do NOT ask the couple when they are both in front of you. Awkward.

The next series are questions that I have endured over the past 5 years during a long struggle with infertility (which will be a blog in and of itself).

• When are you going to have a baby?
• Innocent enough, but when you've been struggling with years of trying the old fashioned way without success, followed by weighing adoption versus fertility treatments, expensive medications, sometimes painful surgeries & procedures, a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy, the question just brings it all to the surface. I learned to answer with a simple: "Whenever God decides that we are ready." but it was usually rapidly followed with me excusing myself and crying somewhere.  The worst part of this question was that it was usually asked by somebody I didn't know very well, in a public location. My favorite example: random distant relative of Robby's shortly before his papaw's funeral! Seriously, we're sitting 10 feet from a casket and you want to ask me about my reproductive status?!? Sheesh.

• Why haven't you had a baby yet?
• At least 3 people asked me this question. In my case, this made me want to cry because I desperately wanted a baby.  One time I answered this with brutal honesty because I was having a bad day: "We've been trying for several years, but I have endometriosis and poor egg quality, so it's been a real struggle. Please don't ever ask anybody that ever again because you don't know what they might be going through."  It felt GOOD!  For other people it might be as simple as "My husband and I don't want children." But really, what good can come from that phrasing? 

•  Are you sure you're doing it right?
• They were sort of joking (I hope), but it really hurt my feelings.

My husband and I are now the proud parents of infant twin boys, but once we found out, then a whole new batch of inappropriate questions were thrown our way:

• "What's with the pudge?" (while gesturing to my little baby bump)
• I couldn't make up that question if I tried. A worker from our work cafeteria asked me that when I first started showing. I honestly answered that I was 16 weeks pregnant with twins. She seemed shocked, which meant to me that she thought I was just packing on a few pounds! Wow. I doubt I could ever be that ballsy/rude.
• "You're having twins? Wow. I would cry myself to sleep every night if I were you."
• Golly gee willikers. Thanks for the uplifting thoughts!
• "Are they natural?"
• I know they meant did I use fertility treatments, but still what's the opposite of natural? Unnatural. So if I say no, I am basically saying my children are cyborgs.  If you are close enough friends with somebody, then they will have already shared their journey to these children with all the detail that they are comfortable sharing. If you don't already know their situation, then you probably shouldn't go there.
• "Are you going to breastfeed/have a vaginal vs. c-section delivery?
• O.K. to ask your close friend. Or even just a friend. Not O.K. to ask your random co-worker, especially if you have never had a conversation before!
• Are you already dialated?
• Um...what is your name again? See the above answer for appropriateness.
• Stuff people asked Robby:
• "Is your wife going to breastfeed?"
• "How many centimeters is your wife dialated?"
• Yikes--TMI people.
• "Has your wife gone into labor yet?"
• Several people asked Robby this while he was at work. Yeah, he thought he would squeeze a few more hours of work in...while I was in labor...with our twins. Just makes you want to shake your head and pass out some "bless your hearts."

This is not an exhaustive list, so feel free to share your own in the comments. If you EVER catch me saying something rude, PLEASE call me out on it!